One of the most important parts of being an effective leader is being able to communicate and lead your group to your common goal. A self-differentiated leader takes that a step further by being able to regulate one's own anxiety through an emotional process. They also have the ability to stand up and say what is right even when others disagree while still remaining connected to others. Being a self-differentiated leader is not easy. Most of the time it is going to seem like you are going against the grain because those who are not leaders will try to pull others down with them. They are not evil or bad people, they are just sharing their own anxiety with others and that has a negative impact on those that are brought into that group. An effective self-differentiated leader is someone that can engage in crucial conversations and stand next to their decision, even then the odds may be stacked against them.
We have all experienced it, a conversation that started out with the purest of intentions turns sour and now you are in an emotionally charged argument, and in your mind, you are wondering how you got there. You may have unknowingly walked into a crucial conversation and without the right tools under your belt, the conversation does not bring about results, only two people who are now not sure where they stand with one another because they did not see eye-to-eye.
A crucial conversation is one where the stakes are high, opinions differ and sometimes by quite a bit, and emotions are high. These conversations are common in education but I think people often do not know how to navigate them so we tend to stay in our routines and not deviate from the path we have set. When we are talking about the education of the future generation, the stakes are high. Teachers are unique and their teaching styles and personalities are just as diverse, which creates different opinions on how things need to be done. Teaching is a career of passion, so it is an emotionally charged environment. In today's world, it is so easy for the tone of someone's message to get lost through a screen. It is important to get face-to-face with these conversations. If these conversations are approached in the appropriate way using these steps, then these conversations can be used for good and also help all parties feel heard instead of withdrawing.
Start with the Heart
When entering into a crucial conversation, it is important to remember that the only thing you can truly control is yourself and the way you respond. This is why you must get to be honest with yourself and find your true motives. You need to ask yourself:
What do I want for myself?
What do I want for others?
What do I want for the relationship?
Once you have a clear answer for your motives, you will be able to keep the conversation focused on what you are wanting to accomplish and not let the heat of the moment steer you off course. When implementing my innovation plan, I'm sure there will be plenty of pushback and multiple crucial conversations that will need to be held. This is where I believe I will be most concerned with keeping the relationship. When applying this to the workplace we must try our best to maintain the relationship. If we can come to an agreement then that will be a benefit to our students and myself, but if we cannot, the goal would be to maintain an amicable relationship at work.
Learning to Look
When entering into a crucial conversation, there is a chance that the conversation could go south. This is when you need to look for signs that you may need to stop. Those signs could be coming from within yourself or from the person you are talking to. If you start to notice signs that implicate that either you or the other person are withdrawing from the conversation or beginning to show anger, then the conversation is no longer safe and you begin to run the risk of the derailment of your idea or meeting. Another thing to keep in mind is if one person begins to withdraw and others begin to notice, then other participants will begin to follow suit. I have seen this happen too many times during some staff meetings where more is being added to our plate and you can look around the room and see more and more people beginning to react one of these two ways. They either retreat to their computers or phones, get up to use a restroom break or shake their head in frustration. This leads to the next step, making it safe.
Making it Safe
When a conversation leads to anger or withdrawal it is ultimately because the person or group no longer feels safe. It is important to take time to cool off if emotions get too high but also committing to returning to the conversation. Also, reflect on the conversation and decide if it is appropriate to apologize for any misunderstandings, but not for having feelings. Then work toward the CRIB response (Patterson, 2012, p. 102):
Commit to seek mutual purpose
Recognize the purpose behind the strategy
Invent a mutual response
Brainstorm new strategies
When trying to implement change, sometimes people can feel like they are being judged or attacked even when that is not what was intended. When it comes to education and trying to implement my innovation plan, I want to make sure that I make a safe space for the conversation. Old habits die hard and it can be difficult to bring about change when someone feels like they have already been doing a great job. I will ensure that I look for any misunderstandings and clarify what my intention is and apologize if it is appropriate.
Master My Stories
In some cases, it may not be the other person who is withdrawn or angry. You must look at a self-analysis of your behavior and emotions. Retracing your steps back to when you became emotional and analyzing what part of the conversation triggered those emotions is the starting point. Was it something that was said by the other person? Are you playing the victim? Are you turning someone else into the villain? Once you have reached the source, then you must strip it down to just the facts. Facts are not emotional and if both parties can agree that they are indeed facts, then there is no room to argue. As a teacher, I have experienced this with parents when a student gets in trouble and tells their parent their side of the story. When the parent contacts me and is combative and upset, I present them with the facts, and the conversation is resolved rather quickly when they realize the student did not tell the entire truth. Once the facts are present, arguments tend to waiver. Now that the facts have been identified, the next step to having a crucial conversation can take place.
State My Path
Once you have focused on the facts and reflected on your behavior, it is time to engage in dialogue again. When structuring this part of your conversation, the following steps are key (Patterson, 2012, p.136):
Share your facts
Tell your story
Ask for others’ paths
Talk tentatively
Encourage testing
When you share your facts and tell your story, this opens up the opportunity for others to add their input. It is important at this time to talk tentatively and make sure you are listening to each person so they feel safe and heard. At this point, you are wanting to find out what others think.
Explore Others' Paths
Another important tool is intentional listening. During this step, you will implement what Patterson (2012) calls AMPP: ask, mirror, paraphrase, and prime. At this point, you will sincerely ask for the other person's story and listen to them. You will mirror their emotions so that they know they are being understood. Once they have told their story, you will paraphrase, ensuring that you understand what they are saying and are reassured that you are listening. This will help minimize misunderstandings. If the other party is reluctant to chime in then you can prime the conversation by asking them questions and leading them into a dialogue.
Move to Action
It is time to make some decisions. Now that your dialogue has taken place the terms of the agreement will need to be decided. Will your decision be from a vote or possibly a consensus needs to be reached? The method in which the decision is made is not as important as making sure that everyone has a clear understanding of what that decision is. Each person should also understand their role and what is expected of them. A record should be kept of the commitments made so there is a form of accountability for the next time you meet. This will be important when implementing my innovation plan. Teachers already have so much on their plates already so making sure everyone has a clear picture of what they need to do, will increase the likelihood of it happening. Also, keeping a record that will be checked in the future will help as well. This reminds me of the PLC meetings that I do with my team every week. We keep an agenda with our tasks that we must complete before we meet again. This way we are held accountable for those tasks to be completed because we are going to share what we have done at our next meeting. This keeps everyone accountable and motivated to complete the tasks.
References:
Bardwell, Mathew David. (2010, November 10). Friedman's theory of differentiated leadership made simple [Video file]. Retrieved from https://youtu.be/RgdcljNV-Ew
Patterson, K. (2012). Crucial conversation tools for talking when stakes are high. New York: McGraw-Hill.
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